From 27,000 applications, I was over the moon to be selected as the first of 100 ‘Peoples’ joining Hamish and Andy on the Carnival Spirit, for ‘The Peoples Cruise’.
My application to the Producers of the Hamish and Andy show was along the lines of “Single unlucky in love, aspiring humorist (female version of ‘Hamish’) seeks her Andy on the high seas’.
Being selected, I was a bit excited at the prospect of meeting new people, new friends and hey… maybe someone special.
On the second night onboard, I noticed an advert for singles mixer that evening at Alchemy Bar. I hit up the producers to see if Hamish Blake was free to join me as Australia’s Ultimate Wingman, however he has a commitment with the captains over dinner that night.
It’s 7pm, I’m dressed to impress and strutted into Alchemy bar whilst humming ‘The Love Boat’ theme song. I was fascinated by The Love Boat as a child, growing up I wanted to be Julie the Cruise Coordinator. I secretly also had the biggest crush on ship purser and sometimes bartender ‘Gopher’. It’s going to be just like The Love Boat I tell myself. With an Espresso Martini in hand, and my most sailor appropriate pick up line on the tip of my tongue, I scan the bar for fellow singles .
…Unfortunately the options are slim, two likely very lovely 70 year old gentleman give me a friendly smile.
It’s the three of us.
There is a glint in their eyes as if they have won the singles mixer proverbial lotto… or proverbial bingo if we are making age appropriate analogies.
I sip my martini at the bar and continue humming the Love Boat theme song. Daniel the bartender slides me some olives and asks me for the second time to stop calling him ‘Gopher’. I tell him ‘shuuuush, you are ruining the moment’, as I press my finger to his lips.
45 minutes and my entire martini is consumed, I lower my standards and give the room one last scan.
It’s… still… the… three… of… us (and Gopher behind the bar).
I look the less grey gentleman or the two up and down, and rationalise to myself ‘Well … the actual ‘Gopher’ actor must be in his 70’s now). NO, NO, NO, it’s not my time yet, it’s not my time of 5pm dinner dates of soft foods and calling AM talkback shows with my opinion about kids these days. Nope, Nope, Nope – not yet.
I stop humming the theme song, and park any hope of romance for now. I bid my reluctant Gopher farewell and join the rest of the ‘Peoples Cruise’ winners for dinner.
Maybe if there is no potentials on the cruise, there might be a nice boy on the islands instead.
Watch this space for a new blog post ‘Mystery Island, Snorkelling guide Marriage Proposal’.
Editors note: Fredrick Lawrence “Fred” Grandy is an American actor best known for his role as “Gopher” on the sitcom The Love Boat and who later became a member of the United States House of Representatives from the state of Iowa. He is 67. (Wikipedia)